hey, I wish somewhere in the future, when I scrolled back this post, I can smile and say,
it's finally over.
I will tell myself, the agony has gone, the lifelessness has passed, the tears has dried up, the aching has stopped, but the love persists..
I know I ain't a nice decent girl who follows, who obeys, who is quiet, who endures.
I rebel, I stand out for what I believe, I go my own way, I'm just hard to tame and hard to relate.
Sometimes, I wish I am the former, if that makes life a lot easier, if that makes me, easier to be loved.
Constantly hurting people who try to love me, and hurting myself. Either allowing them to come close or pushing them away makes no difference. I just need to admit that, nobody shall ever risk themselves to come near to me. If I ever love any of you, the best way to protect, is to push you away.
I don't want to hurt you, neither do I want to fill up the hole when you finally make your way out of my life.
More than stubborn this time, I can't help it. Perhaps is a misfortune to you. Doing all I can to mend a complete brokenness, if there is anything I can do.
I'm sorry for all the troubles and uncomfortable feelings i caused. And I'm sorry for spilling out the words I shouldn't.
If you ever want to know why am I not willing to let go despite the pain,
perhaps because I don't want my heart stop loving, loving the imperfect you with the imperfect love I have.