Saturday, September 12, 2015

K Lang

So finally, today is the day, when I'm finally leaving this place.
I've been hated this place so much;
I've been working my way to not stay in this place as far as I could;
I've been feeling more alone and isolated in this deadly place;
I've been shedding much more tears as far as I could remember compare before;
so much heartbroken, so much isolation, so much slanders, so many haters..
and I'm staying the last night in this room.
But, feeling complicated.

Yes, it is a mixed feeling. I thought I will be happy to welcome the day. In fact, much more doubts and uncertainty than I expected set in. Perhaps, I'm unsure if I would enjoy better back to UM. Well well. We will see what is my next post.

Talking about Klang.
It started with a feeling of excitement, with a little complaint of a slightly far distance from UM.
Since all seniors are saying it is a good place, I would assume it is, with my little adventurous gene, since I'm always easily fitting myself in a new environment.
It was a good place I guess, until I realize I subconsciously allow part of myself for wanting to be in UM, still having much connections in UM rather than here, when the heart is being told that "I'm not belonged to this place, I'm leaving the place very soon in near future," and my mind rejected to settle down and accepted this place, and I started to have more grumbles in life. 

And, I rebelled against God, insisted to do my own way at the same time feeling sinful for I know I've not been good. And it just made the situation worse when all my life is living in guilt. If only if the time would turn back, I wish I have not hurt the Father's heart like what I've done. I can't promise, I have my weakness, but I wish I would try my best at least.
Having no God, making me feel even alone in this desolate place. And I guess that is how I tired him out, for expecting him to be in the caring and loving position my God used to be. Adding the stress when first started the clinical year and also the feeling of being lost in this future career, my life is indeed a mess, worse than the entangled thread. 

I'm constantly in the confusion state. I wonder why is life doesn't seems right to me? Why am I trying so hard just to breath every single day? I'm being a little depressed here. I don't know how can I make it right. I wonder why my life is full of suffering, and it is getting worse every year. I'm too tired to live on with my life, to deal with all the situations, all the emotions and all the things my mind have told me.

It is a place, where the sad stories lying everywhere. Insomnia for a week, with less than 5 hours sleep in 48 hours, boycott by my 20 teammates for a project, worse with one whom you thought he knows you well enough even the rest don't! And, a break up. Before adding up the minor frustrations in study, in ward, in dealing friends, in dealing three meals with no car, in dealing with the horrible weather here.. I wish I can just explode rather than holding the tension inside.

But, now I know sleep is bliss; The project is accepted by an international conference; I've reconciled with that friend with complete forgiveness; true friend is weightier than gold and I have known a few; study mate who drag you to ward in your lowest point of life to keep you on your study performance; groupmate who accept your black and sulky face and still being helpful; roommate who just tolerate the horrible atmosphere you've created in room with the sorrowful aura you released but still accept you; parents who call every night, accept your nasty attitude and still pray with you; and all the little different stuffs I get to do here: I cook, I do sports, I plant, I dance, I play guitar.
And I know I will miss this place somehow.

It contains too many of "growing up" story here. Though the stretching part is painful and I seriously hate it, I know I've grown. And am waiting with faith for the Lord to put everything in place for those that haven't. 

I just pray that I will not lose my bravery, confidence and adventure trait while being through the humbling process. I miss the me being so courageous, fearless and slightly over confident to face whatever to come. Not the one full with doubt, uncertainty and much worries. I know God has me in hands.

Whether to come back here or not. I know I have been here once, in Klang.

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