End of first posting in life~

A very direct title. Yes, I'm done with my first clinical posting, Paediatrics!... I hope I can continue the sentence ' with a flying colour' but too bad, I think I just screwed out my short case. Damn the hand foot mouth disease, I'll now remember you for the rest of the lifetime from now on.

怎么突然决定写华文，可能这样，就会比较少人看得懂吧。。比较少。。

其实心里始终闷闷的。
再多的话，也无法诉说内心的空洞，没有人了解的黑洞。
你说我们很不同，我说，世上的人都不见得相同。
你只是从来不懂，沉默追求只盼望成为你的梦。
心脏毫无保留的跳动，世界不留余地的转动，让我无所适从。 
每个灵魂只在挣扎蠕动， 互不干涉彼此的轰动。
奢望求存的你我，再多的感情不过只是利用。

没有这个意思，可是不知觉的，就写了歌词。

Yes, I enjoy DIY, I enjoy doodling, I enjoy blogging. I enjoy finding my own satisfaction. Simply because I'm not too good than a failure who can never reach my own standard. 
I loved piano, but I failed to play Beethoven pieces
I loved keyboard, but I failed to play a beautiful accompaniment for singer
I loved new instruments, but I'm too slow to pick up
I loved singing, but I don't have good voice, neither do I get to train for it
I loved volleyball, but I'm too busy to pursue it
I loved track field, but I'm can't be the fastest, though I'm not the slowest
I loved dance, but I'm too afraid to pursue it, scare of another failure
I loved composing, but I don't have beautiful melody nor beautiful lyrics
I loved musical play, but I don't win the teachers' hearts for good character
I loved performing, but my performance never reach to the standard
I loved everything, but I failed to get someone who can keep me up before I give up.

Yes people admire me, I'm full of talents, know almost everything. But I hate myself being a mediocre. None, none of it making me feel proud about myself. Did I not putting enough effort? Perhaps. And what can make myself stop hating this me? Either pursue harder, or just give up, and I choose the latter. 
How can you say I'm the kind of person doing stuff just for own satisfaction when I've been striving years to excel myself? It just means you don't know me well enough. How would you know I've been trying to perfectionize everything in the past and wear myself out. I thought you understand my sense of worthlessness when I fail to achieve, I thought you are the one telling me my worth is when I enjoy myself in whatever I do, I thought you are the one teaching me to be satisfied with myself and forget about the achievement, and now you are saying we are different. Perhaps I get you wrong, perhaps I never good enough, even in your eyes. 

Yes, I'm just all alone. Too naive to expect somebody to accept me completely.
Too naive, too ignorant.

FUCK.

the first time I did not resist this word coming out from my mouth.