People around me can so easily sense my excitement for this short break simply because I'm back to my refuge! Free from stress, free from tiredness, free from worries with the add on of homecook food, entertainment and quality time with people whom I loved.
I used to think of running away from home, but now it just sounds silly to me.
Growing up from the hatred and bitterness till the turning point to forgive and accept, it ain't too late to realize and speak out I love my family.
Back to home church today.
Never know a normal service meant so much to me. Constantly, filled with guilt every week back to church ever since I started to busy with my life in this brand new semester. I know I've filled up my time without even keeping a little time for God. God's presence was so strong during the praise and worship and I have no way to hide my face from Him and finally broken down with guilt. God still loves me and He is always there when I seek for Him but I don't even spare a single time for Him. Skipping devotion, distracted while reading bible, prayer getting shorter...
Father, I pray that I'll not spend this short break in vain. Help me to rearrange my priority. I really miss the last semester, the days with enthusiasm to seek for God despite the busyness. Help me Oh Lord, I don't want a life without u, Father..
After two months struggling, I found the light.
Father, I'm back home.
I thank God no matter how strong I am in front of people, I'm willing to admit my weakness in God's face. I thought I'm fine, but God says stop deceiving yourself. So how I'm going to do with that, I've no idea. Definitely not going to carry this wound, still fill with pus, never ever letting it affects my future, like what had happened. I don't understand, that's why I hate you, but I know I've no right and God says I shouldn't.
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It must be last decades, I've someone chat with me days after days, non-stop. I wonder why, she told me simply because his special identity, allow me to put down my guard, for this special relationship. So true, because of that special address for him, I already loved and accepted him. And how would I still have my guard on if my attachment for him means to be real? Not going to trap myself in this dangerous zone by not having strong will power to halt the intimacy. Having someone taking care of you is more than awesome if that just mean to own a little brother. And for whatever means, he is always my little brother.
The one I would cherish.
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