Happened to flip through this journal book with the 28 days memory in Cambodia. I always remind myself to complete it with the devotion, my feeling and the learning values every each day. Reminiscing the days in mission field, there's still many challenges but what makes me fearless is the unshaken faith knowing God is in control when I'm in His mission. I guess that is one of the reason I love mission.
I want the faith I have during the mission.
The leaders constantly remind me that I'm in a bigger mission field, which is this real life and I shall have the same faith knowing God is in control of my life, but I always fail, and I really hate the feeling of losing hope. Oh God, have mercy on me when my emotion constantly swings up and down. :(
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Met this lovely friend few days ago. Can't deny initially I was worrying if this meet up will be too awkward for us, since we never really have a deep talk for 5 years. I really thank God I'm willing to open up truthfully to you and even pick up the very old topic, to explain to you what has happened 5 years ago, the thorn in my heart. I guess Holy Spirit reminded me about it. Surprisingly when I mentioned about that, I'm in peace. I know I've overcame that past experience. It seems as it is a brand new start of this friendship, when I decide to let go and trust again. I'm really grateful for this meet up, dear :)
I know if I'm not in this struggle, I might not want to recall all these long lost past memory which I've tried my best to bury deep in my heart. I started to see God's grace in this trouble time.
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The very warm letters from my students in Cambodia. Some I don't really remember who they are, but I felt warm and sweet receiving these letters from the staff who is visiting my church now. Children are simple and naive. This is why I like children. They don't hide their feeling and they can just say they love you easily which you can believe they really mean it. I wish I could have their innocence and love bravely but there is no turning back. Sometimes I do think those autism children or mentally retarded children is happier. Knowing less truth, life is easier isn't it?
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很多时候我都会以为我好了，见了老友，说了一堆神在我生命里的见证，说看到神的恩典在我的遭遇里，那么的感恩，可是怎么又再跌入谷里，我真的以为我进步了，可是怎么这次的悲伤又那么强烈。我怎么会在祷告会里哭得那么悲伤，怎么会不顾其他人的眼光，这么不争气的哭得一把眼泪一把鼻涕，我不是越来越好了吗？可是怎么情绪还是那么重。我，真的讨厌这样的自己。我真的很努力了，为什么还是一样？一个星期又一个星期了却还是一样，连我都真的看不起自己了。上帝造的我，真的就那么脆弱吗？我不要我不要，上帝我不要。。连我都觉得自己可笑，我有的是那么丰盛的生命，却为一件小事放不开，我不喜欢这样的自己，不喜欢这样的情绪。。亲爱的父，原谅我过度的情绪，原谅我过度的埋怨，我要的真的只是开心，我要到什么时候才能安抚好自己，我要好好过生活，让自己好好的，求主怜悯我，给我更多力量，更多的耐心，更多的平安在你里面。。上帝，原谅我。。:'(
我好像知道你的决定背后的原因了，就只是能看得更远更辽阔。如果我能够有你的坚持，少那讨人厌的情绪，假装不痛，我想我也会过得很好。明明被伤害的是你，你还是好好的，是真的看开了？还是心墙筑更高了？我想我可能都不会懂，可是我祷告是前者，真的希望是前者。。。
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