if life is a sketch on the paper.

Leaving secondary school for almost three years, never know I'll still get to wear back this uniform again, though is for a promotion video shooting of a sermon. Went to canteen and looked around. Mak Cik gave me a confuse look and asked me : " Ah moi, rambut merah boleh masuk ke?" So embarrassed to tell her I'm no longer a secondary school student. Yea, I've grown up for sure.

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So this is what I've done during TF cellgroup just now. Try to get some images and learn doodling. The outcome is quite satisfying. When I'm focusing doing something, I just don't talk. I know between fellowship and doodling, I've made my choice which the two hours over fellowship, I speak not more than ten sentences. Believe me I'm much more better in talking nonsense now (or for me, the non-edifying words but still important in building rapport ). But I guess, I'm not choosing doodling over fellowship, but I'm choosing to communicate with my heart over communicate with the people. I know in order to guarantee whatever from my tongue will not be destructive, I better shut up and talk to my heart first. I always hope I can be more creative, more artistic because this is just something near my heart. I'm a very expressive type of person when I choose to let go the rationale sometimes. 
To be able to express myself in words, music or a picture is way too beautiful.

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其实不喜欢在忧郁的时候写部落格，因为每一个键盘敲打的字，都很疼，更讨厌把那样的情绪，传染给哪一个读者。这种负面能量，本来就应该丢到外太空去的。。至少在我服侍身边人时，这一种负面感情要收好，毕竟我是要做光和盐的，传达的是正面积极的讯息。

I do realize how the bitterness started to grow in me. I guess what's the most horrible thing that can happened is the losing of hope. I know I lost my emotion stability which has been keeping quite well for recent days when I lost the trust towards God. Something unexpected just happened and it just..messed up everything. Messed up whatever planning is in my mind, messed up the emotion I've prepared to encounter certain situation, messed up my life eventually. 
Yea, everything is just in a mess. 
Mission. I've everything done at last minute, booking super expensive air flight ticket, changing money with such low currency, slacking at home for month but not even go through or prepare for the children events that I'm in charge. 颓废。I don't know what's the best word in English. Perhaps 'decadent'? 
I thought God promised me, but now I realize He didn't actually promise how He make things done. But I felt deceived, a shattered hope from God, swaying the trust away, and the bitterness grow. I'm bitter how God put this thing up, I'm bitter towards my situation. The worst part is I know I'm leading towards death but I couldn't help it. I only realize this bitterness when I'm serving the Christian fellowship in secondary school where I shared my testimony. This teacher approached me telling me she has a student who is in her depression, hoping I can help her through by making friend with her. I know my heart rejoiced knowing how amazing God uses my past shame to serve people. But eventually I thought I hate what I'd to go through to be the example, I hate to be wounded by all those experiences, I'm so vulnerable that I would shiver knowing how much more I've to gone through in order to get there. I know it's devil who is deceiving me and putting all this lies in me. I know, I know all these things, but how terrible to understand it but just couldn't get out of it! I'm so sick of being in this state, I'm so impatient towards my fluctuating mood, I would just be emotionless and numb, rather than crying now. Helpless.Lifeless.Awful.Gruesome.

If God would ever say a word to me now.





I'm just not worthy being used by You..