Yes, I'm well-off alone, like what she described me.
love to being in my own world, doing stuffs that people will never appreciate, having thoughts that people might not understand. I know I'm different, and I know I'm always do.
Even when thing messed up, I will keep it all to myself.
But life changed me. Too many warm hearts transformed me.
I can sense the loneliness in the silent night. I can smell the quietness when I have nobody to share. I can feel the emptiness deep down inside, even I do function well from outside.
The emptiness, is not the exact black hole.
But the fear, the sorrow, the anger, the disappointment, the hatred, the not-knowing-how fill it up.
It's horrifying.
I used to deaden my desire. Yes, deadened. Disowning the need of being cared and loved, the need of establishing relationship with people, the need to sparkle for my dream.
Then I thought it would be alright if I give it a try, open up myself to the desire, risking my heart to realize something I pursue for so long..and watch it slips through my fingers.
I know it's me who placed myself in such a mess, when I'm so headstrong wanting the whisper from the core of my soul. Life is a waste of time when I fail to achieve the dream. People could hardly understand performing in a music cafe, playing music in a hotel, such a small matter are the strong desires that required sacrificial.
When I opened myself to the people, longing they will know me. But again, I'm all alone. I was alone, I am alone and I know I will alone and what for risking myself to the hurt when I already know the answer. It's even easier to deceive my heart that I'm well-off alone, yea, perfectly fine. Messing up with whoever around me, distancing whoever trying to get near, making a circle around me and forever been in this safety zone.
They are treating me well. They are showing their care and love to me. But my heart is far from them. It is sinking in the sea, ready for a deep sleep.
I'M ALL ALONE.
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