二十九

今年的我二十九了。

存粹，太九没有回来这里报到。

依然单身，在一年前，亲手结束了珍爱两年的感情。

你知道的，你有多么的爱，就有多么的伤；有多么的爱，就有多么的想得到更多。

我自视清高地以为，我的爱是放手，但其实是因为他无法给我更多。

我要的爱是有未来，他对于未来却总是三缄其口，所以，我们分开了。

澳洲2.0

这是自己的决定，自己的坚持，自己的相信，快要一个月还依然站立着的我。

不敢埋怨太多，不敢伤心太深，有多少人想要到澳洲却还没有得到那个机会，我除了感恩，哪有资格难过。

19个月以后

依然老毛病又犯。

现在的我，其实很喜欢现在的我。因为现在的我，比较以前，减少了情绪化和少女梦，容易处理多了。少了半夜三更不睡觉强说愁（除了今晚），目标在学业，在服侍，爱的源头唯独上帝，好处理的多了。

原来，终究要有那一根拔不出来的刺，才会学乖。

以为放下了，原谅了，结果心又痛了。痛得好结实。

奇怪的话

我想要写一些很奇怪的文字，因为脑袋有太多奇怪的画面，幻想，零碎的记忆掠过，掠过，很快速地掠过。。

然后很多个晚上，我会有些很奇怪的念头，会半夜突然惊觉自己依然醒着，然后迷迷糊糊很努力在想应该要怎么入睡，是真的在想，似乎睡着需要一个特定的方程式，然后会想破头，突然从迷糊状态清醒过来，发现自己有了一些奇怪的像是潜意识，又像是梦，然后再渐渐地入睡。

女汉子我来也

最近朋友发了几个漫画图给我，虽然不想承认，但这形容却太贴切。决定借来分享。

来源： https://www.facebook.com/annieyew3101/posts/538061903033160

beautiful dream, lasts?

I'm still in my dream, wouldn't want to wake up.

Finally, escape from the depressing past. I wanted a new start. A new life, to restart everything again. To restart a life, without past, without sorrow, without the painful memory. A life that only represents the present me, people who never know about my past, who never question about my past, who never bother who am I in the past. If I'm allow to, I would leave that life behind, be it happy or sad memories, the past that makes me unsure if I'm smiling still because I'm happy, or simply is the action from the facial muscles.

never mind

I did something terrible, making the situation even unbearable.
Making myself more enemies.

The wounded heart, hurting by the lies and betrayal, who can bear?
The wounded heart, hurting by someone you've truly given your heart to, who can bear?

I know one day

I know one day, 

Future me, please have a look

hey, I wish somewhere in the future, when I scrolled back this post, I can smile and say, 
it's finally over. 

I will tell myself, the agony has gone, the lifelessness has passed, the tears has dried up, the aching has stopped, but the love persists..

K Lang

So finally, today is the day, when I'm finally leaving this place.
I've been hated this place so much;
I've been working my way to not stay in this place as far as I could;
I've been feeling more alone and isolated in this deadly place;
I've been shedding much more tears as far as I could remember compare before;
so much heartbroken, so much isolation, so much slanders, so many haters..
and I'm staying the last night in this room.
But, feeling complicated.

End of first posting in life~

A very direct title. Yes, I'm done with my first clinical posting, Paediatrics!... I hope I can continue the sentence ' with a flying colour' but too bad, I think I just screwed out my short case. Damn the hand foot mouth disease, I'll now remember you for the rest of the lifetime from now on.

怎么突然决定写华文，可能这样，就会比较少人看得懂吧。。比较少。。

Somewhere in Klang

I know one day I will be here, I know I'll be in love with this place according to the seniors' sharing, I know it will be a place flooded with memory, I know it will unlock my another stage of journey in life, and I know all these will no longer in future tense.

Yes, I'm here in Klang in the end. Can't believe how time flies, I'm now a third year medical students, which is the half of the journey as a medical student. When my beloved first year junior is still having their orientation week, I can't help but reminiscing the life when I was a newbie in a university. I still remember how I greet my buddies, how I met my third year buddy in Klang and celebrated his birthday all the way back to Klang, and that was my first glance of this place. I guess second year didn't give much impact merely because that is another pre-clinical year, the year with only studies and university events!!Still can't believe I'm already third year, guess I would only admit it when I meet the new faces soon.

The second day, after the registration yesterday. Free, too free. Holiday makes me lazy, I don't mind lying on the bed most of my day grumbling with headache, tired, depressed when I used to be a workaholic. Perhaps I'm just like my pity phone battery, the more I'm charging, the more it is discharging without my notice. Or even when I thought I'm 100% percent charged, but it just drains out within half day. Two free days, what a great time to explore around, to be amused by new fresh stuffs. But finding no strength, no one, all I want is my bed and forever asleep. Who cares, yea,the exact word, who cares. When I'm paranoid to get stuck in this deadly place, who actually care? An isolated place just proof me this loner better. You don't understand, do you? You're just too busy to understand.

Too afraid of changes, I thought I'm always good in adapting, it makes me confused. Now I know, it's not the changing of environment that scared me, but the changes of my behaviour and heart. I can't find the independent, cool and confident girl who enjoying doing her own stuffs ignoring others. Trying to blend in, what a terrible idea when your emotion is worse than terrible. Losing myself too much, can I blame on you? No I decided no more emotional because of you, no more roller coaster mood because of you, no more time reserve for you before my own planning. You're taking up too much of my independence, no, I still wanna be independent as if there is no change. When I plan my best schedule just to see you, I'll never get an assurance that you are eagerly hoping to see me. Behind every effort I try to make, is only more doubt, disappointment, depression and more insecurities. You never know I hated those feeling so much. And you made me feel guilty and condemned if I'm hypersensitive. You never understand, do you? Fine then if you think is too troublesome to see me, then don't meet. I'll stop making any effort before I'm assured what I'm doing is not syok sendiri but it comes mutually. I'm tired actually. 

There's a saying,
If something or someone belongs to you, even when you let go, it will still come back to you.

伊翎，是我的名字

重温自己的文字，其实很喜欢，文字里的我。我没有很优秀的文笔，只是我知道每一个字的情感是真的。有多少人可以从文字理解一个人，有多少个人认识了文字里的我，我不晓得，如果有谁，会花时间去感受。

三月约定

Such a big relief back to home. The feeling is just like..taking a short leave in workplace, though I have not experience it. Such a short break, but I'm so gonna recharge myself before I'm back to the war.

Such a long break ever since I really pick up any responsibility to organize an event. The one I could ever remember is back to Form 5, also a concert. The evidence that I've not change too far. I used to say I will not take up any leader role if God has not placed me on such position. I just hate myself being a horrible dictator, a solution to run away from my personality. God has constantly refine me but I hardly believe myself can play a good role in such position anymore. If is not for Dayao, if is not for the senior who encouraged and looked high on me, if is not for the people I treasure, if is not for the dream I have in this grand concert... 

曾经有人说,

就是宁愿一个人在房里，也放弃几十个人的聚会。

人总是矛盾，别人忘记你时，你喊bojio；人家邀时，却真的没什么兴致参与。

不能说我不介意一群人的聚会总是被遗忘，但如果说我很介意，却又不完全是事实。记得你的人，又怎么会忘记你？

有人说，情绪不好时不要一个人，但我相信一个人，要比一群人的热闹凸显的寂寞要好一些。

人人都在积极完成100天快乐日记，我说，快乐又何必强求。或许能帮我们更加懂得乐观看待每一天，但若为了完成任务而强装开心，始终任务失败吧。。

向来不是戏迷，拖了那么久，今天终于才愿意宅一次，看 On Call 2。除了里面的帅哥美女医生医术高超，把人与人之间的关系也衬托得贴切。医生们，安慰辅导病人时，总会不经意`把自己深藏的心念说出来吧。人终究要发现生命的脆弱，才会知道真情的可贵。

情人节。不快乐

我真的不理了，不想再压抑，那种真的喘不过气的感觉。

大道理自己总是说得很多，能真的实际履行的，或许没有几条。现在真的很糟糕，都不晓得怎么让事情变得如此糟糕。

喜欢是种什么感觉，应该是甜的，苦的，还是酸的？
我不知道什么是喜欢，但我知道什么叫做迷恋。一昧只看到对方的好、样貌、才干，快要变得天上有地下无的境界，那是迷恋。

COCO离家记

结果就突然的生病，然后离开了。

接到消息的第一个反应是，‘我应该要有什么反应？’

似乎是因为长期压抑反射性情绪，花了整整一天，在思考到底我的反应正常吗？

所以一整天拜年，玩牌、唱歌、弹琴、吃年饼、拿红包，我还是过了很开心的一天。

我正常吗？

夜。乱语

这个时间在网上潜水绝对是大错特错，只因为明天有早课。是的，没错，当其他人还在享受农历新年，我却被迫回到宿舍，准备明天的课。医科啊医科，允许我抱怨你一会儿。。

享受一个人的宁静，就像安静的宿舍，只有我一人，整栋楼的学生没超过一半。
所以我玩吉他，唱歌，写歌，只是发现自己的才能或许还不足，写的歌总让我泄气。

然后自high了就是夜深人静，心就在边缘，谷底的边缘。

if I die young

the thought just came in when I was on the flight back to KL from Langkawi.
probably night always brings up my inner emotion when I'm alone.
What if the flight crash the way back?
Definitely I shall rejoice to go heaven earlier but wait.. NO!!!
not now.. definitely not now..

Live your wildest dream

I saw this line at a digital board at Jalan Bintang area when I was finding Lot 10. It just struck me now when I finally accomplished heptathlon race. If you know nothing about heptathlon, it is a track & field game consists of 100m hurdles, 200m, 800m, long jump, high jump, javelin and short put, total of seven events. Nothing special about it. Somebody wrote my name for this race, after all the struggles, I decided to try it out and I won silver medal.