二十九

今年的我二十九了。

存粹，太九没有回来这里报到。

依然单身，在一年前，亲手结束了珍爱两年的感情。

你知道的，你有多么的爱，就有多么的伤；有多么的爱，就有多么的想得到更多。

我自视清高地以为，我的爱是放手，但其实是因为他无法给我更多。

我要的爱是有未来，他对于未来却总是三缄其口，所以，我们分开了。

谢谢我曾经的美好

又回到最初的这个地方。

一样的心情，一样的无奈，不一样的是，现在是下午三点，不是凌晨三点。
没有了半夜不睡觉的本领，只有工作忙里偷闲的下午。


烈日当空，这次没有边说故事边掉眼泪。

只是一个很简单的故事。

澳洲2.0

这是自己的决定，自己的坚持，自己的相信，快要一个月还依然站立着的我。

不敢埋怨太多，不敢伤心太深，有多少人想要到澳洲却还没有得到那个机会，我除了感恩，哪有资格难过。

19个月以后

依然老毛病又犯。

现在的我，其实很喜欢现在的我。因为现在的我，比较以前，减少了情绪化和少女梦，容易处理多了。少了半夜三更不睡觉强说愁（除了今晚），目标在学业，在服侍，爱的源头唯独上帝，好处理的多了。

原来，终究要有那一根拔不出来的刺，才会学乖。

以为放下了，原谅了，结果心又痛了。痛得好结实。

想念的你

很想很想，那个奋不顾身的你。
那个不计所有的你。
那个又哭又笑情绪化的你。
那个感情胜过理智的你。
那个很相信永远真的存在的你。
那个愿意付上一切代价的你。

想念写文字的我

所以又跑来这边乱涂乱写了，哈哈。
昨天因为一些原因翻回了以前在部落格写的一大堆东东，结果自己的文字让自己吓了一跳，原来我写的还挺不错哦，哈哈，让我自恋吧！毕竟对自己的文字并没有完全的信心。

我喜欢文字背后的心情，然后读着读着，鼻子就酸了，那样的文字。
突然很感恩，因为即使没有随笔就有一首好诗的神仙般造诣，但是至少比较起音乐，文字创作抒发心情要简单得多。

从前从前的我，崇尚散文，那种一堆生字新词，读上百次都未必能了解全文的散文。长大了却发现，语言最终的目的是要明确表达。所以，不再追求新词汇。因为，只想要用最简单，最真实的文字，表达最明确的心情。追求的境界，就是用最短最明了的句子，表达一百零一种情绪。

回到平静

。因为想要留着最后一张帖是正面的。

因为有种感觉我好像又会再把这个部落格抛一边了。你们要为我高兴，因为那证明，终于我又站起来了。

奇怪的话

我想要写一些很奇怪的文字，因为脑袋有太多奇怪的画面，幻想，零碎的记忆掠过，掠过，很快速地掠过。。

然后很多个晚上，我会有些很奇怪的念头，会半夜突然惊觉自己依然醒着，然后迷迷糊糊很努力在想应该要怎么入睡，是真的在想，似乎睡着需要一个特定的方程式，然后会想破头，突然从迷糊状态清醒过来，发现自己有了一些奇怪的像是潜意识，又像是梦，然后再渐渐地入睡。

女汉子我来也

最近朋友发了几个漫画图给我，虽然不想承认，但这形容却太贴切。决定借来分享。

来源： https://www.facebook.com/annieyew3101/posts/538061903033160

beautiful dream, lasts?

I'm still in my dream, wouldn't want to wake up.

Finally, escape from the depressing past. I wanted a new start. A new life, to restart everything again. To restart a life, without past, without sorrow, without the painful memory. A life that only represents the present me, people who never know about my past, who never question about my past, who never bother who am I in the past. If I'm allow to, I would leave that life behind, be it happy or sad memories, the past that makes me unsure if I'm smiling still because I'm happy, or simply is the action from the facial muscles.

never mind

I did something terrible, making the situation even unbearable.
Making myself more enemies.

The wounded heart, hurting by the lies and betrayal, who can bear?
The wounded heart, hurting by someone you've truly given your heart to, who can bear?

I know one day

I know one day, 

Future me, please have a look

hey, I wish somewhere in the future, when I scrolled back this post, I can smile and say, 
it's finally over. 

I will tell myself, the agony has gone, the lifelessness has passed, the tears has dried up, the aching has stopped, but the love persists..

K Lang

So finally, today is the day, when I'm finally leaving this place.
I've been hated this place so much;
I've been working my way to not stay in this place as far as I could;
I've been feeling more alone and isolated in this deadly place;
I've been shedding much more tears as far as I could remember compare before;
so much heartbroken, so much isolation, so much slanders, so many haters..
and I'm staying the last night in this room.
But, feeling complicated.

hey

hey,
.
.
.
.
.
.

.

I thought my last post was last century. I have been given up blogging I guess. 
I guess no matter good or bad, I have somebody to tell. So I don't need to blog? Telling nobody here.
But, not anymore.

Bye 2014, Hi 2015!

I like the quote in Mandarin，‘遥不可及的不是十年以后，是十年以前。
And I just wish I've not waste too much of my life in this 2014. I thank God 2014 is another suffering year, a tough year simply it just means I'm out of my comfort zone and still stretching to reach my true ability. And I thank God, despite all, I'm celebrating the end with a grateful heart and welcoming the new year with new hope.

If you're just happened to read up my final post on 2014, I sincerely thank you for spending your time on me, being a little 'kepoh' and concern of what is in it. Thank you and appreciate you！

2014 is just another year to prove that I'm imperfect human. I did mistakes, I hurt people, I picked up arguments and fights, I cursed, I did most of the wrong things I know I shouldn't have done. It's an open apology, to those I've hurt for the past one year, I'm truly sorry about it and I would mend the relationship if you allow me to do so. I'm a harsh person, if I've said or done something that hurt you, please forgive me and don't take in all the harsh words. I'm just another imperfect person learning to be a better one. Of all, I'm truly sorry. : /

I guess probably because the beginning of semester is not synchronize with the beginning of the year, it took me quite some times to recall my year. Really appreciate your presence in my 2014, be it a good or a bad one. Just manage to pick some photos out, so even you are not in it, I'm truly appreciate YOU!!

End of first posting in life~

A very direct title. Yes, I'm done with my first clinical posting, Paediatrics!... I hope I can continue the sentence ' with a flying colour' but too bad, I think I just screwed out my short case. Damn the hand foot mouth disease, I'll now remember you for the rest of the lifetime from now on.

怎么突然决定写华文，可能这样，就会比较少人看得懂吧。。比较少。。

Because I'm happy~being in love

I'm grateful tomorrow is holiday! I'm grateful I have more time to rest and work on report! I'm grateful I have time for sport! I'm grateful I'm going out tomorrow! That's why I'm posting short notes here to show my gratitude! Wweeeeeeeeeeeee~ :3

Never would I deny happiness can so over-flooded because of one person, just that I had totally forgotten this feeling for years, and probably not so much like now. No, not the time to declare yet, but I'm happy, simply happy.

Somewhere in Klang

I know one day I will be here, I know I'll be in love with this place according to the seniors' sharing, I know it will be a place flooded with memory, I know it will unlock my another stage of journey in life, and I know all these will no longer in future tense.

Yes, I'm here in Klang in the end. Can't believe how time flies, I'm now a third year medical students, which is the half of the journey as a medical student. When my beloved first year junior is still having their orientation week, I can't help but reminiscing the life when I was a newbie in a university. I still remember how I greet my buddies, how I met my third year buddy in Klang and celebrated his birthday all the way back to Klang, and that was my first glance of this place. I guess second year didn't give much impact merely because that is another pre-clinical year, the year with only studies and university events!!Still can't believe I'm already third year, guess I would only admit it when I meet the new faces soon.

The second day, after the registration yesterday. Free, too free. Holiday makes me lazy, I don't mind lying on the bed most of my day grumbling with headache, tired, depressed when I used to be a workaholic. Perhaps I'm just like my pity phone battery, the more I'm charging, the more it is discharging without my notice. Or even when I thought I'm 100% percent charged, but it just drains out within half day. Two free days, what a great time to explore around, to be amused by new fresh stuffs. But finding no strength, no one, all I want is my bed and forever asleep. Who cares, yea,the exact word, who cares. When I'm paranoid to get stuck in this deadly place, who actually care? An isolated place just proof me this loner better. You don't understand, do you? You're just too busy to understand.

Too afraid of changes, I thought I'm always good in adapting, it makes me confused. Now I know, it's not the changing of environment that scared me, but the changes of my behaviour and heart. I can't find the independent, cool and confident girl who enjoying doing her own stuffs ignoring others. Trying to blend in, what a terrible idea when your emotion is worse than terrible. Losing myself too much, can I blame on you? No I decided no more emotional because of you, no more roller coaster mood because of you, no more time reserve for you before my own planning. You're taking up too much of my independence, no, I still wanna be independent as if there is no change. When I plan my best schedule just to see you, I'll never get an assurance that you are eagerly hoping to see me. Behind every effort I try to make, is only more doubt, disappointment, depression and more insecurities. You never know I hated those feeling so much. And you made me feel guilty and condemned if I'm hypersensitive. You never understand, do you? Fine then if you think is too troublesome to see me, then don't meet. I'll stop making any effort before I'm assured what I'm doing is not syok sendiri but it comes mutually. I'm tired actually. 

There's a saying,
If something or someone belongs to you, even when you let go, it will still come back to you.