let go

i'm not pessimist 

but just allow me to post this

i'll surely be alright the next day.

yep

i lost.

not even enter final.

not counting how much time i've spent on it

not counting how much effort i've put in it

thx Goh for the small but warm shoulder

so sorry to wet it

thx ML for the big hug

telling i'm being loved

but where are you when you saw my teardrops?

watching like a stranger

with the cold deep eyes

what i hope is just an alright from you

but why are you refuse to say that

why are you looking at me as if none of your business?

it hurts

seriously hurt

i thought i can be tough

i thought nobody will reveal it

i thought you're the forever secret in me

but i just cannot help it

you choose to distance from me

when i need you the most.

i failed.

fail to see through you.

and is no longer a matter

as i'll put it an end

i never bear to let go

but the pain leave me no choice.

i hate the me denying how much i cared.

为什么我要自取其辱??

 

输 . lost

:(

我

很

伤心

上帝

我需要

就只是一

句

话 

是我

要求太多?

   

another sleepless night...

after all

it's something that i wanted so much
but i never ready for it.
how tough is it to show the true me in front of you guys.
i never wanted to hide it.
it's just uneasy to speak out my mind
when you don't even bother to ask
forcing a stiff smile even i'm not happy with it
worrying you might annoy or irritate by the true me
the grumbles the thinking the criticism the whatever are sedimenting deep in my heart
i'm suffocating
God, tell me how to face you with a sincere heart
i do envy them, even reach the stage of jealousy
sorry for sinning,
but i desperately long to be myself in front of you



why am i piss off with you?
who am i to rag on you?
i'm not God who judge people
so shouldn't i be frustrated just because we live in different ways
not in accordance of my expectation
i'm sorry



who say our country is having financial problem?
who say our country does not prepare enough education fund?
it's just you're not the chosen one
any of my friends here surely have a sibling who is studying overseas
it seems so easy
but i'm still here striving so hard hoping to grab that chance
even knowing it's impossible
after all
i shall learn that life is never fair  



he told me i looked exhausted
and he felt upset looking at my pale face 
thanks for being a good listener
i appreciate it, friend  :)

..it just happened yesterday..
  

yum'cha' at Library

we are not going library to study,

but yumcha ( drink tea )

the tea is not the normal tea but liquor!

wondering? confusing? 

so, this is the Library i mean.

a modern designed gastropub, an outlet located at Mount Austin!

my very first attempt to the pub.

it had incorporating thematic interior designs to create a conducive ambience for a nice wind down session

I do like the theme very much

using library environment to create their own identity and icon.

it was a Saturday night when my friends and I gave it a visit.

it's kinda disappointed there was no band performance though they do have full band set.

and according to my friend,

they don't really have a band performance so far.

we chose the seat at first floor rather than ground floor.

hoping a more quiet environment for chit-chating.

it was alright when the time was still early ( around 8pm or 9pm )

but it went noisy when it was getting crowded by people.

it was rather upset that we had to raise our voice while talking

not a high class pub with soft background music

but the music with strong bass did make me dance along

the Library served not only liquor but tantalizing food menu

rather than serving alcoholic drinks and pub grubs

they offered meals too

the price is affordable and acceptable

from left : peppermint, paraiso lychee ( RM 22 )

my first order of alcoholic drinks, paraiso lychee

very nice lychee fragrance

but apparently, I'm not used to drink

and it's a bit hard for me to enjoy it

male and female shared a lavatory

I've never been in other pub before

and i don't really know whether all other pubs having the common design 

but it did make me feel awkward seeing guys in the same lavatory

guessed I'm not the only one feeling uneasy

as the scenery of whole bunch girls self-capturing in front of mirror disappeared

but rushing out after using the facility

anyway, it is still a moderate place to hang around

but board game cafe, dessert house or min ge can ting ( cafe with band performance )

will be a better choice if you just order orange juice in pub

ku and yuanjun having a pool game

a gathering with ex-schoolmates

...................................................................................................................

smile

and the world smile to you.

but i'm a bit upset now, 

so i'm not smiling this moment.

spare me some time and i'll smile to you later.

life is fooling me.

when i laughed at the quote saying how sad one can feel

when someone one likes finally in love with others.

and the next moment 

found out you're having crush with a girl on your status update.

i guess i don't know her.

but that's not a matter.

what i care the most is

i'll be freed in 3 months time.

and i can run away.

from everything.

and that surely include you.

i know, it's just infatuation.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

i know i'm sensitive.

so please don't update sensitive status during my birthday.

okay, still, you're always good-looking and charming : )

A Thousand Miles

有些悸动藏在心里

让风静静吹散

成为我一个人的回忆。。

。。。わたしのゆめい。。。

birthday wish-list

honestly,

this is my first time creating a birthday wish-list.

just to test how useful it is.

so allow me being thick-skinned to ask for present.

i hate to admit it but soon

i'm no longer 18 a flower ( 十八一朵花）anymore

but i'm still being optimistic and looking forward towards my future.

 

so here is a few things i'm actually desire to own it.

1. hoodies

 hoodies

a big and thick cotton jacket with a big big cap.

shelter me from coldness 

and wearing a big headphones without being noticed.

i'm actually saw a quite nice design at Topshop.

around RM100 after discount,

but for me still abit expensive.

hopefully somebody can get me a nice one : )

2. backpack

apparently i need one now,

after my last striking backpack torned off.

fancy striking colour these few days.

yellow, apple green is my favourite.

hoping can get a nice design 

yet strong enough to withstand the weight of my future laptop.

3. anti UV umbrella

to replace my current spoiled umbrella.

can i request a cute design+ functional umbrella?

4. Sandals

since i've been wearing sandals most of the time

i'm just hoping a better sandals for me to walk around

without feeling leg pain

sandals from Crocs or Hush Puppies are the one i'm anticipating.

but any other sandals with a little brand should be not bad also.

5. chocolate

chocolate's charm is undeniable.

and it suits any events!

that is chocolate! haha

6. face mask

if any lady friends think i need some treatment for my face,

just buy me a face mask.

i definitely need a whitening mask or moisturizing mask.

still, it's quite upset my birthday is during semester breaks,

means that i won't be able to celebrate it with my friends.

unless somebody willing to celebrate for me before or after the semester break.

hmm, another birthday wish..

STOP SPAMMING MY FACEBOOK WALL ON THAT DAY.

you can think i'm a weirdo but seriously i won't like it when my wall cover with all birthday wishes.

but my status and updates disappeared.

don't even expect me to appreciate it.

if you're sincere enough,

a private message will do.

or text me if you have my phone number,

call me i will truly appreciated.

face to face will be the best.

so my dear friends, thanks for the understanding. C :

thanksgiving 2011

here comes 2012

looking back and meditating God's marvelous works,

i did went through ups and downs.

it's time to thankgiving God for everything.

and here is the top 8 in my list.

1. family

i'm just a rebellious teenager like many others.

the only thing is i'm capable with my own.

depend less on my family and naturally distance myself from them.

thanks Am for the warm remind and God's work.

i'm trying hard now to rebuild and mend the relationship with my family.

2. strong character

not just on the outlook

but a strong heart.

after experienced the back stabbed during my first employment & from a friend

i've learnt not to hate but to forgive and thanks those people who hurt me.

thanks God for carrying me went through the hardest time.

3. friend

experiencing a better interpersonal relationship

God is truly the God who listened to our prayer

the situation turned 180 degree when i thought there will be no way out.

i will carefully cherish the friendship God had helped me to earn back.

4. talent

Hallelujah! Glory to Lord! just like what mentioned in Bible.

all our talents are from God.

used it wisely, God will grant you double or even more.

all ideas and melodies ran through my mind as Holy Spirit poured on me.

with a new self-composed song, 

music arrangement for acapella and band competition.

5. study

truly a big failure for my SPM result.

reminding me that i should depends more on God 

but not my own smartness which seems foolish in God's eyes.

sending me to KMNS is indeed His great plan in my life.

thanks for every bittersweet moment in this cute college.

6. grandpa

the saddest part throughout the year.

yet another comforting news.

dear grandpa accepted Christ Jesus before his last breath.

thanks God i was able to apologize for my ignorant and tell him i love him

surely he is now watching me from the heaven at the side of our Heavenly Father.

7. baptism

Hallelujah! i was baptized and reborn in Christ.

my spiritual grow exponentially for the year.

serving in church ministry

joining mission trip to Sarawak in 2012

i'm willing to consecrate myself in His every great plan.

8. a new man 

thanks God for moulding me, 

refining me and transforming me.

i'm totally a new man compared to the me 2 years ago.

thanks God for loving me and not forsaken me.

i'm even better now. 

2012 should be an awesome year,

hopefully i can fulfill a few wishes by this year.

going for international student exchange program,

learning new instruments, mastering new language ( eg: Japanese ),

improving my singing skills, composing more songs to share...
finger-crossing...

Last Exit

whoahh!

28th Dec 2011 was a champion day
for the last band standing - LAST EXIT!

after all the hard work and efforts.

practised day and night.

overcame all kinds conflicts and setbacks

with how many sleepless night.

the seed we sowed finally bear fruits.

thanks God looking after me my team throughout the days.

we did a wonderful performance that night
during the Battle of the Bands competition.

rocked and wowed the crowds.

love my team so much.

brainstorming together for a better music arrangement and flow.

of course i contributed ideas and all i can

in music arrangement, performance and directed the opening video.

with the talent that God give me.

other than that,

one of the most proud decision i made

is making dear idid as our vocalist.

pumping him with 100% support and confidence.

after his marvelous performance that night,

surely all girls in KMNS fell on him now.

ooOps. I unintended make him one of KMNS hotstuff now. C :

we got a great drummer + video man + video editor

brought us to the victory.

an awesome guitarist,

playing all kinds of skills than stunned the crowd.

a quiet but mature basist,

giving his 100% to every practices and performances

with super high marks, 95%,

( from one of the judge )

which was more than i expected

judges commented us 

' your band full with charisma, music arrangement, harmonization, opening videos, creativity, mixing of songs and the flow, everything is awesome' with thumbs up.

but among all the compliments,

this is the one i wanted most,

' you all played in a team, your music is blended in one'

isn't it great when you win as a team?

glory to God. we finally Made it.

last exit !

left: zhaf, caceng, me, sauffi, idid !

LAST EXIT, what a good name 

( my another proud achievement in giving this name, hehe)

finally,

we found our last and final exit, 

breaking through all the hindrances and got the victory at the very last moment.

love you guys <3

love the logo zhaf designed

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

again, thanks to zhaf i'm able to link the video after he edited for the whole night.

the opening video,

is the last minute product, but is a MTV totally based on the song lyric,

hope it did entertained you C :

the final,

sorry for the bad sound collecting.

hopefully we will get to perform for the English month closing ceremony

and we will request for the best equipment to shoot it down. C :

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

无可否认，就是有那么一点喜欢。。

behind FAME & VIRTORY

"" the excitement came fast,

went off even faster.

replaced with emptiness and ... lost..

......
to me, it's over. ""

adrenaline pumped too hard in my body.

keeping me in excited state

until i can't breath

winning after all hard work & effort was amazing

we did give a great performance

far better than i expected.

the excitement came fast,

went off even faster.

replaced with emptiness and ... lost..

not the meaning of losing..

but i was confused what's next.

to me, it's over.

am i too passive?

or i was just too clear that everything will end with a full stop at this moment.

i thought i was freed from rejection

apparently, not yet

they are all guys.

i'm the only girl.

they have the common life,

i have my own life.

they are in one

I'm the exception.

indirectly, i feel isolated most of the time.

all grumbles and complaints swallowed into stomach.

showing smiling face most of the time.

yet crying behind the door.

but, after all 

i like them.

truly, love the time spending with them in playing music.

that's the saddest part of the story.

because i will not have the chance for that anymore.

as they don't need me anymore...

i'm just that sensitive and emotional, if you know me.

thanks to my dear drummer.

filling me with all encouragements and supports

and most important,

recognized my role and effort with sincere appreciation

pulling me from deep valley as i fallen.

thank you.

there's still an empty space in my heart.

time will fill it again, i guess.

只是暂时遗失了归属感。明天会更好，对吗？

Acapella

people might ask what is acapella

i will tell you is producing a melody or a music 

using your voice, or without using any instruments

so i took part in this competition

after the recruitment of my friends

we make it to the final 9 among all 20+ groups

and for sure we put in our great effort

in arranging the music, brainstorming for all kind of creativity

thinking for actions, referring various kind of videos

to make up a performance.

what i can say, we really did our best.

especially Gohgoh who leads the team,

Serene who contributes most of her time,

Babe & Chanchan finding references.

Chels who always try to give ideas...

at least we make it to final.

although we didn't win the prize at last.

but is definitely a good experience, isn't it? C: 

4 days 3 night!

yeah..

finally made it to Subang Jaya at last.

after thinking & planning for freaking long time.

thanks God for blessing my trips

with full of enjoyment, fun, closer relationship & safety.

i do have a wonderful holiday there.

Again, thanks God for the free accommodation & transportation

so that i have a loose budget to truly enjoy, hehe.

so, here i am.

staying at Subang Jaya, my dearest Ping's rented room.

for 3 nights, sharing the same bed. LOL

25.11.2011

leaving from college after mentor-mentee program

by Chanchan's car.

have a tasty KFC during tea break.

later on, continue our journey to Shah Alam.

reached at 7 pm at Boey's house,

again, waiting Chels' parents who stuck in traffic jam,

playing with Boey's niece & nephew,

& scanning through her room.

okay, i'm not a stalker or a pervert.

going for dinner with Chels' family.

another waiting Ping to bring me to her place.

a nice room but a terrible night.

cannot fall asleep the night

and finally 2.30am,

vomited for few times until 4am.

the first time got so sick these few years

felt so bad waking up Ping from her sweet dream

but too i'm touched her accompaniment through out the night.

love you, my girl. muakz!

got my very first medicine after so many years not taking any medicines.

26.11.2011

even though slept at 4am,

my biological clock still woke me up at 7am

doing my own prayer and bible reading

while waiting Ping to wake up.

stomach still churning.

but determined to try all nice food at Subang

with my loose budget.

wearing a cute dress given by Ping

having brunch at nice chinese kopitiam

( my brunch is just a hot dessert == )

went to Sunway Pyramid, woohoo!

bought the movie ticket " Happy Feet 2 "

and the time for SHOPPING

some of the shops had started the year end sale.

and i got my first thick belt for my dress.

try my first 'Auntie Anne' toasted bread,

though end up taking only few bites.

( the rest Ping help me to settled )

then we try a pure fresh fruit flavour Japanese brand 'Kindori' ice-cream.

it's smooth yet not too sweet!

lemon & watermelon flavour, i love the watermelon <3

Next, i was suggested to get somw titbits like this....

DA DANG! wasabi flavour popcorn!

i assumed it is the less unhealthy one as the price is not that cheap ==

but it definitely taste awesome !!

 

 shopping spree, enjoying movie, tasting variety of delicacies.

so this is our dinner,

'delicious' is the shop name, i guess.

the service is awesome.

free cold sky juice & hot lemon water.

and this is what we order.

strawberry cheese cake!

we spent a whole day ar Sunway Pyramid.

truly a whole day until 8 or 9 night.

dear Ping know i'm a chocolate lover

so this is my gift! SWISS chocolate with super high chocolate content.

thought our happy day ends?

not yet!

we continue our 'tasting all delicacies in SJ' mission

heading to 'snowgurt'

our day ends with movie 'Puss in Boots'

27.11.2011

again, heading to Sunway Pyramid

but going for ice-Skating!! whoohoo!

my very first attempt.

mook & valerie join our trip today.

is an amazing experience though i kept trip & fall.

we get to the chance to go MidValley 

because of our very kind driver, mook.

met up with MinLee for a sumptuous dinner.

something caught my eyes that i can't do anything 

other than brought it home.

a superb gold ribbon ring!

strolling around & back to SS12 at 10pm

by our feet,

we manage to go here & there.

trying another nice dessert shop, 'snowflakes'

tasted both hot & icing desserts.

i would say no wonder the shop always crowded with dessert lover.

thinking to go cafe ( 民歌餐厅) enjoying music,

but obviously, the singer today is not our tea.

persuading valerie stay overnight together

& accidentally found out we own the same interest.

which is D.I.Y !

so what we do is finding youtube some DIY video 

& tried it ourselve.

can you notice there were 3 roses

night is beautiful when you got more things to enjoy.

girls have no-end gossips when it came to pillow talk.

thanks to MinLee influence

i suggested to watch Victoria Secret Runway as our midnight program.

ended up sleep at 4.30pm.

Gosh. 

i have to say this is the latest throughout the year.

but, it's worth C:

28.11.2011

have to get back my village life soon.

but still, it's glad to meet up with CherSyn.

we had a good time gather together.

taking lunch and updating our life.

before leaving the place

i managed to tried some popular snacks & delicacies my last time

Gong Cha milktea, RA bakery & Tart house.

we can choose different level of sugar & ice for our milktea!

crispy & crunchy eggtart

looks simple but tasty green tea sponge cake. full fillings ham bread.

the hardest part was still the time saying goodbye.

but knowing that we're going to meet up soon.

that's alright.

give a big big hug to my dear friends C:

this is the last part after my trip.

==